Here I set at 12:22 A.M on this Saturday morning. House is quite and all I can here are the sounds of my dogs walking across the hardwood floors and my heater turning on and off. It's been a long week and I am exhausted but yet I cannot sleep. This is becoming the norm. However, during the daytime I could fall asleep at the drop of a hat. I am so sore, my back is in knots. I have been having dizzy spells for a few weeks now and I feel as though I am falling apart. How is that I'm only 29?
Each day I feel like something new is giving out on my body. I am always in pain , not feeling well , tired , or have a horrible headache. I like to pretend I don't know why this is all happening, but the reality is I know exactly why . I am 5'4 and 195 lbs. Obese!! I don't look down and see it. In my head I feel like I look great , I don't feel fat. But then I look at pictures and the reality hits me square in the face. I look like that, really ??? Are you serious??? How does that even happen? How can you feel one way inside and look completely different that you think you do. I just don't understand. But when I look at those pictures and I feel all the aches and pain my body is having each and every day I know that being overweight is in fact the root to all my problems. It is in fact why I feel like crap almost always. I am depressed and I cry a lot. When did this happen? When did I let myself go?
Yo-yo dieta have been an ongoing thing with me for many many years. I tell myself "I won't stop this time" , "i won't give up, I have to do this " . But it never works. I always give in and go back to my old ways. Sometimes I get farther than others and maybe loose a few lbs. They don't stay off though. I always seem to find them, and sometimes a few more to go along with the ones I lost to begin with. I eat when Im bored , which seems to be a lot. I don't even realize how much I each. I just go get things and eat them and then think " I shouldn't have eaten that" but it never is enough to stop me. I tell myself over and over again that I have to change my lifestyle. John, my husband, and I talk about it almost daily. But when push comes to shove….. we don't stick to it. That SERIOUSLY needs to change , and NOW!!!
A little bit about me. I am 29 years old, 195lbs and 5'4. I am the mom to 3 boys. Keegan who will soon be 12, Kendyn who is 10 and Kameron who is 9. As you can prob tell by the math I had them all at a very young age. 17, 18 and 19 to be exact. All with the same guy, my husband to be exact. We have been together 14 years and married almost 8. Time flies. I didn't put on really any weight until after Kameron. 3 kids in 2 years does a tole on your body and then taking care of 3 toddlers, well who in the world has time to do anything else? Well they are all old enough to take care of themselves now and quite frankly that just isn't an excuse anymore.
I started this blog in hopes that it makes me accountable for my actions. Ive never done a blog before but I am very excited to get started and keep myself motivated. Ive tried everything else , so hey why not. My body just can't take much more. Its going down hill very quickly and hey I'm getting ready to turn 30!! 30 shouldn't that be like the prime time??? Heck yes it should, and like others Im not just starting my family. I have time for ME now and you know what ?? Im going to take it. Im going to put me in the front seat for awhile. Ive always put me on the back burner to take care of my family and its time I take some time for myself so that i can get healthy, and happy.
I have this vision of what I will look like "small" . I don't want to be tiny. No way . I love my boobs and booty. But not so much the cellulite. yeah that parts not so fun. Toning up is a much and getting my blood pressure and health in check is my absolute #1 priority. I have decided that the scale is NOT my friend. I have to measure and track inches lost and now lbs. I want to be a good influence on my boys and so I think they are at such a crucial time in their lives that now is the time I must take control.
Speaking of control , I've lost all control . Well it feels like i have anyway. In so many aspects of my life. My weight, my body, and so much more. I feel like all i really have control of is well…. i can't even think of really anything.
I do not want a diet. No way. Been there, done that. Lifestyle change, complete life makeover. i have kind of had a tendency of being a pessimist. yeah not the best quality. I am super anxious and I am sooo scared of new things. I do not always make the best finical choices and well all in all I don't feel like I have really "grown up". The years past by and my family have aged, but sometimes I seriously feel like that 17 year old that was kind of thrown into the world and Im flying by the seat of my pants. Not a clue in the world what to do.
Writing this all down has really made me think…… what have I done with my life? Well I can tell you this much. I could go with my pessimistic side…..or….. I could be optimistic . This whole blog is for my life change and starting to be a new Ashley. Making changes in all aspects of my life. To be a happier me and a healthier me I have to let the negative talk and the negative thinking go and focus on what I do have and the positive and good things will come my way. Im a strong believer in kharma and I know that if I am good to others, good things will come my way.
I just wanted to add…. I love my family very much and I have the most amazing , supportive husband ever and I am so very lucky to have him. My boys are great and I am one lucky momma. This will be a long but absolutely eye opening, amazing, life changing adventure and I cannot wait to make great things happen.
Good night to everyone and I look forward to writing again.
Here's to a new day:)
Ashley
